Today has been a really hard day. Our oldest Sadie is struggling at school and I feel like my heart is breaking. This may be because I am 13 days away from a c-section but it still feels like it is breaking. Sadie has figured out there are some adults she can manipulate and she is trying to figure out if her teacher is one of them. Of course the answer is NO but trying to explain this to Sadie is difficult. I believe with all my heart that children feel loved when their parents are in control. They feel safe and cared for, they may not like our rules or bedtimes but in the end they understand deep down it is for the best. Of course I fail all the time, I yell or give in, I have to apologize. But overall everyday we struggle to keep being consistent. The trouble is I can't watch over Sadie every second and make sure she is listening and obeying trusted adults at all times and in that way I am feeling like a failure. I want to never let her out of my sight so I can make she is never in a position of power, that she always gets to be the child whether she likes it or not. I rely on others for childcare, perhaps too frequently, and I don't see it getting any better as Charlies arrival comes closer. I think at this point all I can do is pray. Pray for her to obey her teacher, pray for the adults in her life to realize that instant gratification and getting her way is actually doing so much more harm than good, and pray that God gives me grace through it all.
There are a couple of holiday traditions that have started organically without my help or urging. One is that my mom gets all the grandchildren new dresses for Christmas. You may have noticed that Sadie tends to wear hers weekly throughout the rest of the year no matter the weather. This years are purple and gorgeous and the girls would wear them everyday if they could. We also added new shoes to the new Christmas dress tradition because the only shoes Sadie has right now are pink and gray Adidas tennis shoes that would look terrible with her new dress. We had a very fruitful trip to Payless where we found black lace shoes with the cutest itty bitty heels, perfect for Sadie and Ruby. The next tradition is that our favorite teenager, Little Maddie, with whom I could not live without, seriously, takes the older girls to the Nutcracker as their Christmas present. This is Sadie's third year to go and she loves it more than any other thing during the holidays. I have the best memories of hot rollers when I was little that my mom would put in for me so this morning the girls and I went to Target and got our very own. I chose the ones that looked most like the ones I remember from childhood. The girls just left for The Nutcracker and they looked so cute I could cry. They want to wear their new dresses and shoes and have curly hair for Church tomorrow and Christmas Eve. I said they can wear their dresses and shoes but I'm not sure I want to spend another hour and a half curling their hair each time although they could not stop looking in the mirror and squealing with delight at their Shirley Temple do's. Having girls is exhausting but so so much fun during dress up time.
